.. jar of hearts

[margaret reeves]

She had the most beautiful eyes. Ones that she had certainly inherited from her father. As I rocked back in forth in the wooden chair that I was once rocked in too I stared down at her. Sage was my life. She and Ollie were always going to be my life no matter what was going on. They were always going to become number one. It had been a total of three days since I had recieved the news of what was going on with my dad. I was devasted but I was always keeping it all in. Sage was suppose to my number one priority just hearing about my dad's illness was changing everything. It was making me question everything that was going on. My dad was the one that walked me through everything. When I had first found about being pregnant he was the second person I ran to (besides Ollie).

Not married and pregnant was awfully scary, it was a trending everywhere now. We were going to make it work and everything was going great. We had been together since sophomore year. I was head over heels in love with Ollie Marcs. He was my everything. The first thing I did when I found out I was pregnant she was feel happy. Most girls would've ran away or even kept it from their parents but I was proud. That wasn't suppose to happen. It just wasn't. Sage was shifting in my arms as I stopped rocking. One last push and she was back to sleep again. Just looking down at her sleeping made me happy. More happy than I had felt in the last few days. Her warm breath resting on my cheek made me tear up. My eyes wandered to the ceiling as I slowly lifted up from my chair hoping not to wake her. The crib wasn't a very far distance from the rocking chair. In her crib she had everything that she needed. Her teddy bear, some other toys and even a bottle.

The tears were starting up as Sage was finally rested and snug into her crib. Wiping my tears away was something that I had perfected over this whole week. I was keeping everything from Ollie about my dad. I just couldn't tell him. I couldn't tell him my plans either. It would just be another way to break his hearts something that I had been doing since the day we met. The bedroom was just a walk across the long hallway. The clock read about 9:36 and Ollie was already cuddled up into our bed. My eyes were somewhat puffy but he couldn't tell. The bathroom connected to our bedroom was where I went first. The shower was the only place I wanted to be. The hot water felt calming on my whole entire body. My stress level had to be up to it's maximum by now. The steam all around the bathroom was building up as I stood under the blazing hot water. I could have cried right then and there in the shower but I couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to cry anymore. Nothing was coming out. It was all built up way inside me from thinking to heavily earlier. The only thing I was worried about now was crying in front of Ollie.

My shorts and loose tee shirt rested on the sink top until my whole body was lathered up with my favorite body lotion; warm vanilla sugar. It's scent made me miss home even more now because that's the only scent that my Mom could stand from Yankee Candle. My long blonde hair was still wet from strands were becoming dry releasing my natural color again. The television was now shut off when I came out of the bedroom. Ollie had put down his book and his head was now rested on his pillow. The clock now read 10:23. A long sigh came from my mouth and I reached for the light switch. Tears were slowly starting to come to my eyes but I was just pushing them back again. Ollie could tell my presence in the bed now because I could feel his warm breath on my back and his broad arm around my neck. Just feeling his body near mine made chills go through my body. The little things that he did had some sort of effect on me.

All of the covers were completely on his side by 6:03 a.m. My body was shaking like something inside of me was telling me not to go through with this. The wooden floor in the kitchen was extra cold this morning as I took my two large suitcases. We kept the envelopes and paper underneath the cook books so that it was convinent to find them. Sitting at the kitchen table where in the future we were planning on sharing many laughs and even filling with another possible child left me with the coldest vibe. Each sentence I wrote in the letter I could feel my own heart breaking. The engagement ring that was fit just for my own finger now lied in a boring white envelope. The only people that I loved more than anything were going to be hurt by this. I was going to hurt everyone around me especially Ollie. The make up that I had not put on but two hours ago was completely smeared from my face and my eyes resembled raccoons. The last line that I wrote read; I hope that one day you will forgive me Oll. There is so much that can't be said in this letter. Just know that I will always love you. No matter what. Please don't forget me, okay? I love you. The tears began rolling down my face again and my suitcases were in my arms again. I dialed up the only number that I could think of at the top of my head; India. Begging her to come over so that someone would be there for Ollie when he woke up. With her arrival I rushed out the door heading for the car that I owned. With one last look at the home that we shared I piled into the car and drove away. Goodbye Byron Bay. Only for a little while though.

Six months later.

My dad is gone. My mom is depressed. My sister is in good care with my Aunt Patty and I'm back where I should bee. The place where I shouldn't have left in the first place. A place where I know that I'm not welcome anymore. The small apartment that was awwfully cheap is the only thing that I really own here anymore. It's the only place I can call home anymore. It will all get better one day I try to tell myself. Each day I get a little bit stronger.